The dark Ray

Had I known what was waiting ahead, I would have stopped myself very often in the journey of life. But I don’t regret it because how I could discover the treasured experiences and things, like the dark ray, that surprise my life now and then, and helps me feel alive. Brightness itself is darkness in reality. Before we know the truth, we think it is bright, and brings color and brightness to guide us. But as everything, it comes and every hope is dissolved in the core of its darkness. The real color shows up to pay the price of those who keep faith on it.
I was a happy-go-easy boy armored by lively hopes and many things that I wanted though I had nothing. Every pain and tear was temporary and I never bothered them since I had them to be consoled. Life was really beautiful. How could I see through the ugliness of life when I was always happy? Hardly anyone cares for other, as I care for none. In fact, it was the time I didn’t even care for myself. It is true people tend to forget everything in happiness which itself is a state of emptiness where we can feel nothing. It was perhaps the time I was boasting about my love. When anybody has a beautiful and committed lover like mine, their state of happiness extended outside naturally which others falsely consider as boasting. It was when Susan told me, “Everybody comes across love at some or the other point of their life. It is not only you who experiences it,” I suddenly realized that I had exceeded and caused irritation to others. But I didn’t regret since she was nothing unnatural, and misunderstanding is the most precious gift to human beings which they flaunt from time to time. She could not feel what was inside me. Thus, her remarks submerged without making any ripples. I neither felt apologetic nor regretted since she did not occupy any important place in my heart. To me, it is heart and only the heart that matters. Only the emotions engulfed from the heart guide my life.

Life itself is a bunch of riddles and uncertain mental adventures. To somebody, you give attention you ever could though you are just a stranger to them. To some, you always try to get closer when your presence is neither recognized nor appreciated. Welcome is an indecent word to use here. Everything is happening around her; only she does not feel any. Such things had happened to me also. There were times when Susan was rather elated being with my company. She, sometimes, did not go for lunch along with her friends but instead stayed behind to give me a company. On the very first day of our meeting, I could see the excitement in her eyes when she was with me. Thanks to my ability to read other’s eyes. Sometimes, I warned myself for being an expert in reading eyes. I hate it because it discloses everything somebody values so much in their heart. I fear that someday, it will put me in real trouble. Though I was drowning in the thought of somebody, leaving no room for Susan to encroach beyond friendship, it will be unfair if I don’t concede that I also started liking her company. Call it a coincidence in life or the plan of destiny; I fell in love only with beautiful girls. May be I was so much drown with my love or partly because of not-so-beautiful looks of Susan, there were never mental conflicts and sleep-lost nights.

Time passed by, and our friendship or relationship blossomed or developed. I started learning new lessons of nature. I never thought that my meeting with Susan during that one-month long seminar will teach me a life-long lesson. I suddenly discover that all the charming beauties of the spring season were once remained dry and dead in winter. When spring comes, everything becomes beautiful. Who could believe that the delicate roses were only thorns before they steal beholders’ hearts? Sometimes, somewhere I started missing her. I fear that I developed an infatuation for Susan. But, I believe in my self-control ability. Time has taken a U-turn, partly because of my impatience. I had started waiting her instead of she waited for me. It might be because I came out earlier than the time she came out to wait for you. It takes 365 days for the Earth to revolve around the Sun. May be I valued my time so much that things started suddenly as one month was all we had at hand. But when things started, twenty days were gone already. Somewhere in this uncertain and dark journey of life, I realized that I had developed a strange feeling for Susan. One day, I looked at her eyes to see again the excitement reflected in her eyes on our first meeting or during those new days in our life. Everything has its own time and they just follow when their turns come. Who can get away from the cycle of the nature? When there is spring here, unfortunately there is autumn also somewhere. That day, I found a difference in her eyes. Her eyes were really beautiful but the beauty had replaced their excitement that I saw last time. But the beauty of a thing is appreciated only by the beholders, and the thing has nothing to with them. Who could imagine that there will be a sudden onset of autumn in the middle of the spring? It was possible, possibly because, things were happening at such a fast pace that even the God of nature could not see the disorder in the cycles of nature. That day, my fear is over and my mastery of eyes reading paid off. When somebody realizes that he develops an infatuation of somebody, there is always a problem arising somewhere. But, I don’t condemn this because I always consider nothing can be as precious as love, and it is never easy to achieve it. As time passed by with various thoughts, I realized that all I had at hand was only one week. After that, our one month conference will be over. I wish I could hold time. By then, I had completely lost my identity- Who was I? Where did I belong?

That night was over last day together. Early next morning, everybody will return to their home. As usual, Susan and I came to sit in the garden after dinner. Once I had developed love of her, each evening we sat on the garden meant a lot to me. But that day, it was more valuable and I am sure she could see through what was in my heart if she were good or least good at reading eyes like me. That day, with one last hope to see that excitement in her eyes, I looked at her again. To my surprise, there were in front of me. I saw the same excitement that I saw on the first day, but I could also see emotions in her eyes at that starry night. It might be because she also knew, as I did, that we will not meet again. Everybody develops emotions when they are leaving somebody for long, so if they leave somebody forever, definitely even for the person who does not mean anything to them will generate some emotions if they are not just strangers. That night, she listened to my story very anxiously. I didn’t know why I told the story of my hard childhood, broken love, and misfortunes to her. Was she listening anxiously like that since it was a sad story? “In life, we don’t get everything that we like. So, it is best to let this life take us wherever it wants to brings us,” Susan said after listening to my story. It was her last word I heard. I don’t like the idea to surrender my life to somebody like this, especially it makes very hard to a person like me who does not believe in reincarnation. But when for everything I do, destiny has the other plan, I finally learn to surrender my life reluctantly. It also gives respite, thinking one burden is gone. May be, since I no longer bear the burden of my life, my ownership may be reinstated once He realizes it.

Life is really beautiful in darkness. Both tears and laughter make your world really beautiful. It is made more beautiful particularly when your life is distinct since nobody knows what you are going through. Sometimes the pain is so big that its disappearance is measured not in terms of days or weeks but in terms of years. Today after five years, her words, “Everybody comes across love at some or the other point of their life. It is not only you who experiences it,” still deafen my ears, louder and clearer. For a while she used to say we will meet again, but I always told her the world is not round at least between you and me. And it’s right, we haven't meet after that night again. As I strongly believe that I won’t see her again, I also can confidently say that even after another five years, the sound of her words will not lower. She was itself a ray that brightens my life. But how could she know that she I have dissolved myself in the beauty of this her glittering darkness? I always told her “The world is so big. How hard you try, you will not be able to understand everything.” Today also, there are many things happening in my life around her thoughts when I don’t even know that where she is. Like every ray of light, she brought brightness in my life, but when the light disappears as truth prevails at the end; my whole life has been dissolved in the darkness she brought to me.